You Sound Like a Vorcha
by DarkDanny
Summary: PTSD Series: Remembering the lost, the damned and the dead is important; but sometimes that is far too much for one person to handle. Thankfully there's always a way to forget, once you learn to find a way how. For Tali'Zorah, getting blind drunk seems to have worked out well...


**…**

* * *

 **...**

" _Commander Shepard? Are you awake?"_

John Shepard had always been a light sleeper. It was a bit of a curse, really. Although it was a relatively minor one in comparison to the mountains of shit he was trapped in at one point or another –from the disaster on Torfan to his current problem which was being the great unifier which somehow had to stop an endless, seemingly unbreakable galactic extinction cycle which was currently in progress. His inability to sleep restfully was only further exacerbated by these traumas he endured, or was currently enduring.

It was all building up for him now. It was one thing to watch The Fall of Earth, The Fall of Palaven, and The Fall of Thessia. These were inevitable incidents in a war where extinction was at stake. He had seen the power of the Reapers earlier than most organics; but it the events which occurred on Horizon, at the facility known to the galaxy as Sanctuary which had put him through a new sort of hell, one that had left him shaky. Perhaps he was even in doubt of the validity of his own mission to save as many people as he could. To see what organics were willing to do to one another in a time where a synthetic race wanted to harvest all of them.

It suddenly became clear why the Reapers looked so lowly on organic life. Shepard found it hard to believe he was empathizing with Harbinger's cause. But these were strange times indeed.

Cerberus. The organization which brought him back from the dead, put a gun in his hand, a ship at his disposal and a team to do the impossible with was an organization he had wanted to trust from the beginning. They did ghastly things, unethical things, but Shepard had done ghastly and unethical things on Torfan. He knew that sometimes to stop the monsters; one had to become a monster as well. It was why he was drawn to the plight of the Illusive Man as he had been. He was the one man who seemed to understand that they could not fight the Reapers with honour as a restraint. Not when extinction and the lives of everyone you held dearest were at stake. Everything that the leader of the shadowy pro-human organization had done for him had left with a certain grudging… obligation to give him the benefit of the doubt.

But here they were now. The Illusive Man was convinced that he could somehow control the Reapers and had none other than Henry Lawson running tests on reverse engineering the indoctrination process. Well that assignment had been canceled, or at least delayed. Miranda Lawson on her quest to save her sister from her Father had seen to that. She put a bullet through the head and just like that all her daddy issues had been finally solved.

After seeing the horrors on Horizon, any hesitations Shepard had about The Illusive Man were officially gone now, as with his feeling of obligation. He was going to kill that son-of-a-bitch. Right after he killed that snot nosed little prick Kai Leng, of course. Why Illusive Man would put any trust in _him_ of all people was beyond Shepard's comprehension.

" _Commander Shepard, will you please wake up! If you don't, I can assure you that I'll send EDI in there in five minutes with the multitude of questions I doubt you want to answer for her."_

Traynor's threat of unleashing EDI on him was enough motivation for him. John opened his eyes. As much as he enjoyed his Q&A about life as an organic with the AI, her fledgling relationship with Joker had left him learning more about Moreau than he cared to know… as the late Doctor Solus would have said, the implications were unpleasant…

"Alright, I'm awake," John groaned out loud and stretched. "Hit me with it, Traynor, what did you break now?"

" _I didn't break anything, I promise!"_ he heard Traynor squeal over the intercom. _"Oh… you're being funny. Right, it's just that you have received a communication request from Project Crucible."_

Shepard frowned as he propped himself off his bed. As fun as it was to wind her up into a frenzied state, communications to the Normandy from Project Crucible were given priority. It was enough to launch him out of his bed at long last and pull on a t-shirt. If someone was willing to risk breaking communication black-out, then it had to be good. It certainly wouldn't be him giving the good news that was for sure. Kai Leng had fled after failing to stop Lawson.

"Admiral Hackett on the line?" Shepard spoke as he pulled on his shoes. "Tell him I'll be right with him."

" _Not quite that high up the CoC,"_ was Traynor's immediate response before John could pull together a proper summarization of what exactly occurred on Horizon. _"It's a Rear Admiral Hannah Shepard. I believe that you might be acquainted with her_."

Shepard blinked. His mother was on the line? This was even _worse_ than Hackett. Fully dressed now, John hobbled slightly up the steps towards the door leading to the elevator. This goddamn war was going to be the death of him at this rate. Perhaps he could allocate some funding to hiring a masseuse for the Normandy.

Stepping into the elevator, John tapped the console and waited patiently as the door remained ajar. Shepard groaned as the door failed to close. This was so unbelievably typical.

"You can tell her I'll be with her in five… better make that ten minutes," he spoke to the intercom. "Goddamn elevator. Say what you will about Cerberus, at least they didn't hire the lowest bidder for maintenance. I still can't goddamn believe the Alliance tore this sleek bird's guts open."

There was a pause, and then came the shrill shitstorm that was Samantha Traynor's indignation.

" _Are you aware just how much I resent that remark, Commander!?"_

Inwardly grinning at the anger he capable of producing from the normally soft spoken and very diplomatic woman, Shepard looked directly up to the security camera which Traynor was likely watching him from. He crossed his arms and nodded his head defiantly.

"That's why I said it."

Shepard felt the elevator move, leaving Traynor to sputter out her hilariously impotent rage at him.

 **…**

* * *

 **…**

Saluting Private's Westermore and Campbell each, Shepard stepped through the scanner and entered into the Normandy's war room.

Usually filled with stray diplomats and military personnel from the various species who needed his aid, the deck was more or less abandoned and eerily silent with exception to the low hum of the massive computer set up in the middle off the deck. It was or the best that the deck was empty. The last thing he wanted was for people to listen into his private correspondence with Rear Admiral Hannah Shepard.

As much as he loved and respected his Mother, there had always been a bit of a distance between them. It was a story not too dissimilar to that of Tali and Rael'Zorah –a parent who was first and foremost dedicated to something larger than their family. For Rael, it was service to his people. For mother… well it was just to the Alliance Navy. It did not bode well for John, and it certainly did not bode well with his father. They divorced shortly after his 15th birthday. He remembered being so mad at his Dad for doing it, but now he knew better now that he had time to figure it all out. It was his mother and her over the top dedication to the military that collapsed the marriage.

If only he knew back then, perhaps he wouldn't have demanded his Mother to take him along her postings and eventually serve himself…

It wasn't like Hannah Shepard had been a terrible person, or anything of the sort. She wasn't ill-tempered or cruel or anything remotely along those lines. She was even _sweet_ when she let her guard down on occasion. It was just that the Alliance was all she knew since her youth; so she stuck to it no matter what the cost. She wasn't particularly talented at life outside of the uniform. Not like Dad, who knew when to get out. Hannah Shepard was a lifer; and up until his work with Cerberus tracking down the Collectors, that was what he thought he wanted to be as well.

At least, that had been the case before he got reacquainted with a certain quarian again. Then he started having all these strange and fascinating thoughts of a life that was devoid of service to the military. A future that involved him settling down, convincing a certain quarian engineer... machinist... Admiral... whatever she was these days to marry him, perhaps even adopted a nice little collection of human and quarian children to raise as their own.

It was a horrifyingly sweet prospect to consider. He and Tali playing parents… God save the children who were subjected to the madness that was them.

Activating the QEC projector, John erased all thoughts of the future and directed his focus to the image being built before his eyes. Sure enough, standing there on the other end of the projection field was Rear Admiral Hannah Shepard. Her hair tied back tightly and underneath her cap, her hands were tight fists at her side. Her expression was set at her default frown. At least that was the case before his image formed onto her end of the communication device.

" _John,"_ she spoke first, a smile spreading across her face. _"I'm happy to see you're alright… all thing considered."_

"It's good to hear from you as well, but what's the matter, mom?" he inquired out of her, "I wasn't exactly expecting a call from you."

Mother inclined her head.

" _I wasn't expecting to make a call,"_ the Admiral replied, shifting in place, the note of warmness in her voice dropped. _"But about an hour ago I got a rather strange message on my private frequency from a diplomatic channel and I thought it prudent that it should be brought to your attention."_

The smile mother had vanished as she activated her omni-tool. There was a long silence and then…

" _Is… is thing this… this thing on? Hello? Helllloooo! Shouldn't… shouldn't there be an alert. This is freaking me out!"_

Watching her son with suddenly hard eyes, Hannah Shepard maintained her silence. All John could do was blink as he absorbed the familiar trill he had long since come to adore. No… no way in hell did she actually go out of her way to contact his mother… Of all the things she could have done, of all the people she could have contacted, this had to have been the _worst_ possible choice to make.

Worse yet, she was slurring her words...

" _Whatever. If- now if this is Rear Admiral Hannah Shepard, then I am calling the right person,"_ Tali'Zorah vas Normandy muttered out on the recording. _"I don't know you p-personally. But if you're an Admiral and Commander Shepard's Mother then I suspect you're going to be a real hassle to deal… deeeal… deal with. All Admirals are hassles. Ancestors Hell, I am an Admiral and I am a real hassle. Anyways I'm calling be-because I find your son extraordinarily hot and I am annoyed that he didn't bother to tell me he had parents to be introduced to; but don't yoooOOOoou worry, he's got a really nice ass so I'll forgive him. The armor he wears only accentuates the beauty of his ass, and the way he runs; well let's just say I'm always a few metres behind him in battle if you know what I'm saying. I like the other side as well, but the cod piece blocks that glorious sight. Now if only I can figure out why he can't dance; I thought about giving him lessons… or putting a charity together to pay for a new rhythm implantation… but really I'm amazed humans can even stand up without falling, let alone dance. It's kind of cute –his dancing- once you get used to it. But you need to not interfere with things and stuff of that nature because I have had enough of parents meddling in the lives of their children long after the child is grown up. It happened to me and if it happens to John as well, well, I'll be showing you the business end of my Combat Drone… just as John would have done if he ever met my Father… oh wow, if only John could have hit him. It would have saved so many lives..._

 _Nice… I'm rambling now and all out of my drink. It was nice… whatever this is with you…. GARRUS VAKARIAN, GET THE **HELL** OUT OF HERE!"_

" _But… this is a public lounge!"_

" _NOT TONIGHT IT ISN'T, GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE,_ _ **NOW**_ _!"_

Before the recording could descend into any further chaos caused by the quarian and turian, mother turned off the omni-tool and looked at her son pointedly. She was not enjoying this in the slightest.

" _That argument between Vakarian and this Tali continues for a full fifteen minutes before she finally realized it was still recording. Would you care to explain just what in the hell is happening on board your ship?"_ the Rear Admiral demanded to know. _"I was under the impression that Alliance vessels weren't so colourful… and that you were capable of running a tight ship."_

As his mother narrowed her eyes at him, John suddenly felt as though he was a child again. He rubbed the back of his neck. It was all he could do, really. How exactly did one go about explaining that the quarian who just drunk dialed her was in a relationship with him? John Shepard had spent much of his adult life with the maxim _'always prepared'_ drilled into his head. This was a scenario he hadn't planned on.

Admittedly, John wasn't sure just where exactly either of his parents stood on interspecies dating. Dad would be fine about it most likely; knowing him he'd find the whole concept amusing. John was more than certain that he had dated an asari or two since he and mom broke up –part of the reason why he and Liara T'Soni never quite hit it off beyond being friends. The last thing John wanted to deal with was his old man giving him _tips_ on asari.

Mother was quite a bit more conservative, but she was not what he'd consider a bigot. She was old school Alliance. She was leery of turians and outright held a hatred of batarians for what happened at Mindoir. She wasn't particularly keen on other races, but she was polite about it. Perhaps having a quarian in close proximity… or one day in the family, even, would soften her up about it.

Biting the bullet, Shepard took a deep breath.

"That sloppy drunk would be Tali… Admiral Tali'Zorah vas Normandy," John explained, his voice strained and fighting to maintain its composure in the face of Hannah Shepard's scathing glare. "I… might be dating her."

Mother remained dead still and silent. For a moment, no more than a second a flash of disgust flared across her expression. Almost immediately she regained her composure, but it was a long enough lapse for John to know just where she stood on the subject. Asari, Mother could likely handle, but a quarian? The much maligned race of riffraff, thieves and beggars? That was likely a little too far for her deal with.

"You _might_ be dating a quarian admiral," his mother repeated. Her eyes were narrowed at him like he had done something wrong.

John grimaced slightly as he realized he was coming off as perhaps a little too coy about his relationship with Tali. Intoxicated or not, she deserved better than to have him dancing around the topic for his Mother's benefit. She deserved to have him standing unabashedly for their relationship, no matter just how offended others might have been by it. And besides, it was just as Tali had pointed out in her drunken rambling semi-threat. He was a _terrible_ dancer.

"Okay… I am dating a quarian admiral," John amended. He paused, a stupid little grin crossed over his mouth as he added. "I… well; I _love_ her to be completely honest."

Still his mother maintained her silence. But it was different from before. It was far less scathing and much more observational in nature. She appeared almost bemused by the suggestion that her only son had decided to take up the company of an alien woman and actually dared to use the word _love_ to describe how he felt about her. One of the few things she taught him that did not involve the military was using the word love lightly.

John watched the Admiral rub her eyes. She was clearly attempting to be patient. He supposed that was a positive sign in some ways. Perhaps there would be a chance of civility between the quarian and the human admiral after all… that if Tali's newfound self-assuredness and Mom's long history of outspoken, bordering on lunatic behavior did not clash.

Oh, who the hell was he kidding? Of course it would.

" _And does the quarian normally make it a habit to get utterly loaded and drunk dial her boyfriend's mother, who, by the way is working on a secret project which requires all of her commitment and focus to, just to warn me to stay the hell out of the two of yours affairs… even if I had no goddamn clue this was happening in the first place?"_ she finally asked, her voice rising an octave as her annoyance came spilling out.

John shook his head swiftly.

"No, of course not," he defended Tali in her absence. "To be honest I never thought of Tali as a drinker. Considering her limitations, alcohol consumption is likely not a practice she can partake in regularly."

Mother did not blink, but her eyes did move back and forth as she scanned John for any fragility in his resolve.

" _Perhaps she's just a lightweight then,"_ the Admiral spoke dismissively to her child. She bit her lip and added _, "And since when has my son decided to cross the species barrier? I know all about your dalliance with the Williams girl –she spoke to me at your funeral- but since when did this Zorah girl suddenly become so desirable for you?"_

"Does that really matter? The attraction was there or quite some time, and now it's more," John snapped at her rather suddenly. "Is this going to be a problem… your son dating a quarian?"

John wasn't quite sure where the anger came from. Perhaps he felt the way she was speaking of Tali was far too judgmental for his liking. Like all Tali was could be summed up by her long winded drunken ramblings. Perhaps he was just too exhausted to handle the interrogative nature of his mother for as long as he was doing. He wasn't 16 years old anymore, and trying to introduce some high school girl he was interested to his family. He wasn't going to play the well-established game which the Admiral loved to play.

Judging from the suddenly defensive expression which had suddenly spread across her face, it seemed as though the Admiral had recognized that this was different from the others…

" _I… will not make an issue out of it for now, but in the long run my stance will depend on her next interaction with me,"_ Mother spoke finally, her voice strained as she stared down on John. _"I'll let this one incident slide for the time being. But if it happens again, if she does not tread more carefully, then the quarians are going to find themselves without a planet yet again…"_

John groaned as his mother laughed at her own nasty little joke at the expense of the quarian plight. Of course she would say something as brutal as that and think it was not passé to get away with. He remained silent; he knew better than to utter a defense. Her threat was just another ploy to engage him in her favour activity: debate. He had no time for it. He really should have been going to check in on Tali before she got herself in too much trouble.

" _Go and find your alien and sober her up,"_ the Admiral spoke up suddenly. Her tone softening once again as a small smile crossed her lips. _"You know… you could always shake that cute butt of yours I gave you if that helps calm her down."_

Rubbing the back of his neck, John emitted a small nervous laugh.

"You know I never thought of her _objectifying_ me like that," he confessed, grinning slightly. "She's always been very unassertive with me."

All his mother could do was shrug.

" _You know what they say about drunken words..."_

"Sober thoughts," John finished on her behalf with a low groan. "Thanks for the call mom. It was great to hear from you."

 _"Likewise, and keep yourself safe -from Cerberus, from the Reapers, and especially from this drunk quarian,"_ was mother's response. _"… and I'll be telling Jane all about this, so expect a call or letter from her…"_

Before John could protest the involvement of the rest of his family in the matter that was a drunken quarian, the Admiral disconnected her end of the line, leaving John suddenly apprehensive about checking his mail any time soon. This was not exactly how he wanted to expose Tali to his family… but then again he supposed it wasn't entirely his fault. Jane…

Oh god, how could he forget about his twin sister? She would be a goddamn terror to that poor girl once she found out about her….

He supposed the real blame rested with Tali though, who had decided in a drunken haze to dive headfirst into the messed world of the Shepard family. John groaned as he stepped out of the communication centre. It was time to go and deal with that mess next…

 **...**

* * *

 **...**

Once again John found himself climbing out of the elevator. Christ, he probably spent a tenth of his life in and out of these goddamn metal death trap boxes…

No… he wasn't scared of elevators. It did not make him leery about being in a steel box, suspended by cheap steel or cable over high distances, only one mistake away from losing integrity and collapsing down the gap dozens of metres. He had been spaced, he had been to the centre of the Milky Way, he fought Reapers, rachni, geth, and everything the galaxy could throw up at him. That would be pretty damn preposterous that he would be freaked out over being inside of an elevator… right?

The elevator groaned, making the Commander jump. Dammit… with all the modifications the Normandy had gone through, couldn't they put in stairs… Jesus, he'd settle for ladders at this point!

Forcing himself to breath as steadily as possible, he forced himself to focus on the task at hand. He was heading for deck three, which was the last reported sighting of the elusive _Tali'Zorahintoxicatius Prime_. She was a fascinatingly rare creature that knew how to be a real pain in his ass, but so long as she stayed away from the engine room she would remain a benign pain in his ass. Regardless, he would still track her down, subdue her and put the lovely lithe vixen into his _protective_ custody for closer observation. That was, of course, if she was capable of that sort of in-depth study.

As soon as the doors of the elevator opened, John nearly leaped out of the elevator. Standing there waiting for the elevator was several of the ship crew, all of them staring at their Commander's strange behaviour. John coughed and nodded to them respectfully and brushed by them.

As he glanced around, he noticed something rather peculiar. Just outside the strangely locked starboard deck observation doorway was a data pad that was slapped up against the front of the door with an adhesive. As John approached it, he noticed that a message had been left on the screen.

 _Like your life?_

 _Does life still hold value to you?_

 _Does having an eight inch, Rannoch forged blade shoved in-between your ribs not sound appealing?_

 _If your name doesn't start with 'Commander' and end with 'Shepard', then this lounge is off-limits until further notice. Thank you for your understanding._

John frowned at the warning Tali had left on the door to the lounge. It was a rather vicious threat she had made. He tapped the screen and the message on the datapad vanished, replacing it was a hand outline. So… the Datapad actually was a jerry-rigged biometric scanner as well. Frowning still, John pressed his palm onto the scanner and watched as the red seal lock turned green. The door chimed and the locks disengaged. As John entered the room, he was suddenly hit with an intense heatwave as a scanner burned off whatever germ that might have been on his skin or clothing. He yelped and nearly swore, but he managed to keep his composure.

As he turned to the bar, it had become instantly clear why Tali was drinking alone and had permitted no one but him to be in the same room. Her helmet was sitting on the bar stand, her intricate purple and black toned hood was down around the side of her neck, exposing a tussle of dark hair that was wild looking. Much to her shock when she first showed him her face, it was Tali's frazzled state that was surprisingly very attractive to him. It just felt… natural. She wore no makeup, she did not use product in her hair. She was plain in a very good way.

Shepard watched silently as Tali lifted her head to pour her strong looking drink into her mouth. As soon as she swallowed, she turned around in her seat. Her expression, twisted by the strong taste of the alcohol she drank, lit up when she realized that she was no longer alone.

"Commander…. Commander Shepard… _Shepard_!... _John_!... John Shepard… Captain Sexy'Wiggle vas Normandy! You're _actually_ here!" Tali exclaimed as she stood up from her seat and staggered her way over towards him. "Traaay… Traynor is just greeeat, isn't she?"

John rubbed the back of his neck as Tali bared down onto him.

"Yes, she is. I heard there was a bit of a commotion going on here…" he trailed off and blinked, his head tilted to one side as he added. "Wait a second, _Captain Sexy Wiggle_?"

Tali giggled, her sharp teeth revealed as she swayed in place. Her hands reached out and gripped onto John's shirt in order to steady herself. He watched in amusement as Tali's hand slipped down is chest, travelled behind him and gripped his ass. Tight enough that it made him jump.

"Surprisingly not my creation!" she somehow got out without a serious slur. "It was a nickname you earned from some of the women on the Rayya when you came to answer my treason charges… Garrus and the rest can have this lounge to do whatever they want to do at any time unimpeded. You're the only one around these parts who I'm able to share this time with. Aren't _yoooOOOou_ lucky?"

But John did not have the time to answer her alcohol fueled question –at least for the time being, his mind was focused on other, much more pressing matters that had just come up.

"I don't _wiggle_ ," John protested as he turned away from the quarian. "I walk, I run, I lumber, I stride and I march, I'll even strut on occasion… but I certainly don't wiggle... and how the hell do I wiggle walk…"

He paused his musings as he felt long hands wrapped around his waist and Tali's environmental suit covered breasts dig into his back. He could hear her breathing; feel as her sharp teeth bit softly into the side of his neck.

"If it makes you feel better, it's a very _hot_ wiggle," she breathed directly into his ear as she pulled back from his skin. "Perhaps I should take you back to Rannoch… introduce you to your barely legal fan club… If you're going to live on Rannoch with me after the war, you must be up to doing your share of the work. You could help my people by building immune systems for them, perhaps?"

Shepard blinked. Jesus Christ… did she just say that? Play it cool… goddammit play it smooth…

"Considering I fought the geth and a Reaper for them, I should be entitled to some light work detail," John muttered out loud. "Am I going to be able to kiss you? Or are you going to be too much of a sloppy drunk to do that?"

Giggling wildly, Tali loosened her grip just enough and with the momentum, she swung right around him like a pole. She was heavily intoxicated and somehow managed to pull it off with easy. As she leaned up to kiss him, John made a mental note: Get a stripper pole installed at his future home on Rannoch.

He paused as he remembered Tali's threat she left for the others. Perhaps he should consult her first about said hypothetical stripper pole. She did remark that dancing was an important part of her culture…

"So," he pressed on as Tali pulled back from his lips. "Are you celebrating something, or trying to forget?"

Tali shrugged.

"Oh, you know, a little… little of both," she spoke slyly. She gestured to the bar and added. "Are you going to join me for a drink?"

John glanced at the bar and nodded. Tali took his hand and led him quietly back to where she had been sitting. What the hell. It had been far too long since he sat down for the solely purpose of killing his brain cells. Perhaps it would do him some good. Help take away the nightmares he was having. At this point a vicious hangover would be preferable to dreaming about the horrors of Horizon.

As Tali slumped into her seat, John took a seat on the opposite side of the bar. He reached for a glass and a bottle of bourbon. His eyes never left Tali as he poured himself a generous helping. Tali took a drink and rested her elbows onto the bar.

"You were… you interrupted my toast to Mir...Miri…Miraaanda Lawson."

Confused, Shepard squinted at her, but it was a look which Tali failed to notice. Miranda? She was toasting to Miranda Lawson? There had been nothing but antagonism between Tali and the former Cerberus operative in the time they served together. It was nothing but clashes: Personality clashes, ideological clashes, ethical clashes. The only thing they seemed to agree on was one-piece fashion: cat suits and environmental suits.

Pointing that one a few months ago out nearly got caught in a biotic field and his omni-tool and armour hacked. First time he ever got those two to agree on something: How much of a mistake it was to raise him from the dead…

"She was so… so… so _rude_ ," Tali struggled to get out as she sloshed her drink back and forth, her face twisted in an expression of bitter annoyance. "What in the hell did Jack call her? _'Cerberus Cheerleader?'_ with her _peeeerfect_ genes, and her attitude, and… and… and…"

Tali's ramblings trailed off. Her mouth remained hung half open, as though she was in a state of shock. She stared right through John, her bright eyes wide. She exhaled sharply and shook her head, her free hand touching against her forehead.

"Still, she got it done," she breathed with a strange finality to her words. "She _stopped_ her father… she knew how much evil he was doing… and she actually killed him…"

Her hand still covering her forehead, Tali shook her head in disbelief of her own words. John remained silent as he sipped his own bourbon. Yes. If there was one word he could describe Miranda Lawson, it was dedicated. If she felt strongly about something, there was absolutely nothing that could stand in her way. Her father included.

"I didn't like her," Tali pressed on, her eyes falling to the bar stand. "Keelah, she was _such_ a bitch. But… but I _respected_ … no, not respected… _respect_ her. Sometimes that's even better than liking. She did whatever it took to stop her father. She _never_ gave into him. _Never_ changed herself just to please him..."

Tali's melancholy state had all started to make sense now. None of this was about Miranda and Henry Lawson, not really. This was about Tali and the late Rael'Zorah's relationship. The bitter take-take relationship that the poor woman had found herself in with her own father was brutal, even by John's screwed up family standard. Rael's irresponsible actions had nearly cost Tali just about everything she cared for. And yet despite all of this, Tali seemed incapable of blaming him for anything even when he so obviously deserved it.

It seemed as though the alcohol was doing some amount of good. She was finally willing to be open about just how far from perfect her family had been.

"Ahhh…" John started with a slight smile.

Tali, who was slumped over on the bar stand, one finger tracing the rim of her glass looked up and scowled slightly.

"Don't ' _ahhh'_ me," she chastised him plainly. "You _sound_ like a vorcha."

John was about to apologize or press on, when he caught himself and instead remained silent. A plan came to mind; an awful, _awful_ plan that would get him into a whole heap of trouble if it failed, or if succeeded, perhaps shift Tali out of her family induced depression. Whichever the case, he would be killed by her hand and he would have at least taking her mind off the whole affair.

Swallowing a mouthful of liquid courage, praying to whatever deity he thought would listen, John cleared his throat.

" **AHHHHH TALI'ZORAH.** _ **ENOUGH**_ **. TOO LOUD, TOO LOUD!** " he hissed at her. " **NO MORE TALK. BREAK YOUR OMNI-TOOL NOW!** "

Tali's drooping eyes shot wide open again. Her mouthful of turian whiskey shot out of her mouth and spilled onto the bar as well as the front of her environmental suit.

"No, Shepard… _stoooop_!" she whined at him.

But it was far too late for her reasonable protests. Shepard was too far into his full on Vorcha stereotype to be reasoned with. He jumped off his seat and, hunched over to Vorcha height, he pounced his way around the side of the bar until he was at Tali's side, his arms outstretched, his fingers pretending to be claws and his teeth were bared at her like a wild animal.

Tali's expression said it all: she was confused and utterly terrified as hell at this strange turn of events.

" **THERE IS NO SHEPARD!** " he growled, waving his arms erratically. " **THERE IS ONLY GAAAZ! YOU STUPID QUARIAN! AHHH!** "

Roaring out like a feral beasts, Shepard grabbed Tali hard. He watched as Tali screamed and flew right out of her seat, wrenching his hands off her body as she launched herself backwards and stumbling from the shift in momentum she collapsed onto the floor and tried to crawl away as Shepard swung himself towards her.

" **YOU ARE SO CRUEL TO ME, YOU** _ **VICIOUS**_ **HUMAN BRUTE!"** she shrieked out, utterly losing herself to Shepard's act.

Shepard couldn't maintain the façade any long. He exploded into wild laughter as he dropped himself right down over top of her. He kept laughing as Tali screamed every Khelish curse that she knew, he laughed as she smacked whatever flesh she could hit, he even managed to laugh as she snapped open her mouth and bit him like a feral animal.

He kissed her forehead and pulled himself up off of her. Still chuckling, his satisfied grin still present; he offered his hand out for her to take. Tali held her narrowed eyes. She was furious, but not an angry or even humiliated furious. No, it came off as embarrassed -embarrassed that her hard assed soldier boyfriend was willing to be such a dork, just to cheer her up. Huffing, she took his hand and pulled herself up until she hit his chest. She let go and with one last brush of her hand against his face, she stepped unsteadily towards the bar, her hand rubbing her sore ass until she took a seat.

Regaining some of his self-control, John followed after her and returned to his seat behind the bar. He was still grinning as he downed the last of his drink and could not help but look at Tali as he poured himself another one. She was the mutiny personified.

"So…" John spoke as though his little act hadn't even occurred. "Seeing a bit of you in Miranda fighting her father?"

Still glowering at John, Tali downed her own drink as he had and poured herself another. Unlike John, she swallowed that drink in quick succession and poured herself yet another. Again, she drank it right away. There was no time for her face to twist up as it did before. Now she was just trying to get drunk for the sake of it. The Shepardized vorcha had really done a number on her. Shepard mentally decided it was something he would never pull off again.

 _Perhaps…_

 _Maybe…_

Well, he would have to be utterly trashed to do it again!

 _Perhaps…_

 _Maybe…_

Tali's hiccup broke him from his thoughts of roleplaying a vorcha.

"Y-you know I spent my _whooole_ life trying to live up to him, then making up for his mistakes, doing what he would have wanted…" Tali spoke, her words slurring even hard then they had been before.

John nodded as he watched her sip her drink.

"Parents aren't easy…"

"I know," Tali interrupted his consolation. "But when do we stop reacting to our parents and start _living_ for ourselves?"

As Tali's head hit the side of the bar with a thump, John winced and took a drink. He really wished he knew. Before Saren, before his Spectre status, his parents made it their business to be involved in every aspect of his life. Every drama between the two of them, his parents used both him and Jane as instruments to spite one another. It was a grim game Jane and he had to play for many years. It was motivation for the two of them to leave home early and enlist.

"I'd say the answer to that is at the bottom of that glass, but, you know, you're way ahead of me there…" John spoke up to her.

Tali pulled her head back up and looked suspiciously at her drink, as though it was offending her in some way. She reached out and took it into her hand. She did not drink from it. She instead turned her focus to him. Her expression broke down into a smile.

"Yeah…" she mused as she reached over the bar to take his hand. "But you know what? I'm getting drunk with my boyfriend… my _human_ boyfriend," Tali paused, laughed and then added, "My father would have _hated_ you… perhaps even more than I do right now…"

John squeezed her hand back.

" _Oooh_?" Shepard crowed, his awful grin widening. "Daddy didn't want his precious, pretty _princess_ consorting with a nasty human?"

Tali's eyes widened again.

"I AM _**NOT**_ A PRINCESS!" she shrieked back at him, offended that Shepard would make such a claim of her being royalty yet again. "And no… not in the slightest… I was writing about you when we were still on the first Normandy. When you… when you died, I couldn't get you out of my thoughts… my dreams. For the first time, I stopped the _'what would father do?'_ routine and replaced it with _'what would Shepard do?'_ , then when you turned out to have survived and when I was transferred over to this Normandy, he flat out told that he did not want his only daughter consorting with a barely evolved primate."

Shepard crossed his arms and grinned slightly at her. He was happy to see that even more mature species were capable of being just as xenophobic.

"Naturally that only drove you to me even more."

Tali's own grin spread slowly. She nodded.

"Only naturally," she concurred. "Oh Keelah, you have _noooo_ idea how much I wanted to start a relationship with you sooner than we did, then I would have written to him about every damn detail just to rub it right in his xenophobic, fear-mongering face. But… I'm better than that. I was patient. It was a terrible feeling being patient."

 _Patient?_ Shepard's cough was enough to caught Tali's attention away from the fresh drink.

"I wouldn't say patient…" Shepard spoke, his voice slow as he watched Tali carefully. "Kelly Chambers and Kasumi Goto flat out told me they had their suspicions about you. Kelly… well… Kelly _might_ have told me that we were one personal conversation away from you ripping that environmental suit off…"

"I'm going to kill her," Tali spoke plainly and without emotion. "One conversation with her and she spills to you!? And what did Kasumi say to you!?"

Shepard reached over the bar and pressed the palm of his hand against her cheek. Tali's annoyance vanished as she closed her eyes and snuggled slightly against the affectionate graze.

"Kasumi told me that you were sweet on me," he informed her softly, "and that I should treat you well."

Tali's eyes opened once again, they were hooded as she retracted her head from his hand. Her mouth formed a coy smile.

"And you are doing _such_ a good job at that, aren't you?"

Together the two of them laughed at her observation. Yes, perhaps he was flouting the promise he had made to the thief. But Kasumi was firmly in the camp that believed Tali had been some sort of delicate little flower who needed constant protection. None of them knew the woman the way he did. John sighed as he gripped his glass.

"A toast..." John redirected, his glass rising over his head. "Here's to your father. In death you found forgiveness, but in life you were a morally bankrupt, xenophobic _son-of-a-bitch_."

There was no anger on display at his assessment of her father. Tali instead nodded in apparent approval to his keen observation.

"And… to Miranda," Tali chimed in as they clinked their glasses together carefully. "Nice job, you genetically perfect Cerberus cheerleader bosh'tet. Keelah se'lai."

The two of them downed their drinks and relaxed into their seat simultaneously. Humming to herself, Tali poured herself a drink, unaware that John was watching her carefully. Silently, he debated on whether or not to touch on the matter that drew him ere in the first place. Her contacting his mother was a foolish move. She needed to understand that. Nothing but pain and humiliation came from interacting with the Shepard family. He knew this first hand. It was really the last thing he wanted to subject her to.

Tali glanced up, finally noticing that Shepard had been staring at her. She smiled confidently and leaned forward, her lips pressed against his before she sat back down and focused on drinking again. John touched his lips briefly and exhaled. Perhaps it was best to get it out of the way.

"So…" John broke the comfortable silence. "Are you going to explain why you felt it was necessary to contact my mother of all people?"

There was a rather sudden shift in mood between the human and the quarian. John's spoken words had caused Tali's head to remain low and focused on the bar stand, her light, carefree expression suddenly shifted into one of brooding as she sipped her drink. Slowly, reluctantly, she shrugged at the remark.

"I don't… know," she spoke up as she swirled her drink. "I guess after my third drink, I realized that I have told you so much about my life that I never stopped to ask about yours. I am so self-absorbed... so focused on myself."

Tali looked up and met him in the eye. Her head was tilted to one side.

"So I dug into your background…" she confessed. "I found out you had a family you did not exactly _hint_ to having. An Admiral mother, a diplomat father, a _twin_ sister who leads a multi species team which secures vital points and supply lines from the Reapers and Cerberus... are you ashamed of them, or something?"

John remained silent for a moment as he poured himself another drink. This enjoyable encounter with his girlfriend had turned on its head. So… now Tali knew everything -not only about his mother, but his father and his twin. Hell, she even knew more about Jane Shepard then he did. He wasn't exactly caught up to Jane's current deployment. But her assignment sounded like Jane alright. She was always one for the less glamorous dirty work.

"No." Was his curt answer to her remark. He might have been embarrassed by them on occasion, but he certainly was not ashamed by them as Tali hypothesized.

The answer only served to fuel Tali's sudden display of despair. In a fraction of a second, alcohol induced tears filled up her eyes. She gasped an unsteady inhalation of air as her lips quivered.

"…A…Are you _ashamed_ of me, then?" she managed to gasp out. "I-I imagine having a… a _suit rat_ in the family would be a dirty bit of business for you… just as dirty as it would have been for my father having you as a son-in-law. B-but I don't have a family to embarrass anymore. You still do!"

Shepard's mouth hung open as he listened to her rant about family shame. This was an unexpected turn of events. Worse yet she was reading into something that wasn't happening in the slightest. How could he possibly be ashamed of her? At what point did that become evident to her? Was it some sort of quarian inferiority complex that had popped up out of her intoxication?

"I'm _not_ ashamed of you, Tali," he tried to reassure her. "Why would you-"

But it was far, far too late for his reassurances…

The dam burst, her emotions got the better of her usually unflappable logic and resolve -unsurprising considering that Tali was likely thirty percent alcohol now. Tali exploded into wild tears and collapsed back onto the bar, her hands covering her face as she sobbed hard. It was quite possibly the single most hear wrenching thing John had ever witnessed in his life.

John launched himself out of his seat and vaulted right over the side of the bar. His hands reached out to grip Tali's shoulders, but she batted them away and stood up, taking several backwards from him. Her lips were pouting as she shook her head.

"Why are you ashamed of me?!" she sobbed inconsolably as she paced shakily. "I _love_ you John… I… I _fucking_ love you! I gave you everything I have, everything that I am is yours, it always was!"

Stunned by her usage of the human curse word, he stepped forward. Tali's pacing came to a halt as Shepard reached out and pulled her into his arms. He heard her speak in wild untranslated Khelish, felt her hands beat against his chest, but his only response to the actions was to lift her right off her feet and hold him against her. She struggled for only a moment longer before she went limp, still sobbing into his shoulder.

"I love you as well… and I'm _not_ ashamed of you, I really am not," he whispered to her. "It's just that since we started… you know, dating, we haven't exactly had the time to pause and start trotting out our personal life to scrutinize. It's not a conspiracy, it was an oversight and there is nothing more sinister going on than that."

Sniffling still, Tali's sobbing slowly ceased and came to a halt. Labored breathing was all that answered him at first until she finally slid down him and stood back on her feet. Her head still remained buried against his shoulder.

"I-I guess that is true," she managed to get out thickly. "Still, you do know much more about me than I do of you. Why don't you talk about yourself to me more often?"

John chuckled slightly and gently pulled Tali away from so that he could look directly into her hypnotic eyes.

"Are you kidding? I would be more than happy to tell you whatever you want, but I can't help it if you love to talk about yourself and your people and how it related to you since we met," he pointed out with a slight amusement to his tone." Jesus, I couldn't convince you to shut up about it when we were on the first Normandy, by the time we were onto the SR-2 I was more knowledgeable about your race than my own!"

Tali could not help it, she broke down and laughed. Even in the state she was in surely she knew just how much she used to address everything about herself and her people to him. With a watery smile, se reached out and touched his neck.

"I want to know everything about you, John, because I really do love you," Tali confessed softly, her head swaying back and forth. "I want to be there for you in every possible way. Whether it's battling the Reapers to dealing with your family, I want to be at your side."

As Tali kissed the edge of his lips, she stepped back and made her way back to the bar. Like clockwork she poured herself another drink.

"But… perhaps not right now..." she tacked on, sipping her drink as she patted the stool next to her. "You must understand it is not a lack of interest, but rather I am far too drunk to hold down any of the details…"

Shaking his head at Tali's statement, Shepard followed suit. Now that all the business was out of the way, perhaps it was time to get back to the real business at hand; and that was out drinking the quarian. The honour of his species was at stake here.

 **…**

* * *

 **…**

Commander John Shepard was known for doing the impossible. Out drinking Tali'Zorah was not one of them.

Between Tali's massive head start and her growing erratic behaviour, he decided that considering Tali's condition, it would be more responsible if he only drank in moderation. It was enough for him to enjoy himself, but not enough to forget the little things: such as putting Tali's helmet back on her head after they decided to move their party out of the lounge and up to his quarters. She was virtually immobilized at that point, which meant he was carrying her. He did not mind that. Not at first, at least.

There was nothing really romantic to carrying her. Tali was far too gone at the moment to make any goddamn sense at all. She was deep into a Khelish based ballad, her voice wobbly and delicate –at least that was what she thought had been the case. In reality it was like a yowling cat in a rage. Frankly John was surprised that his ears hadn't started bleeding from the high pitch tone the quarian was capable of producing.

She had also decided the moment she was slung over his shoulder to use his ass as an improvised set of bongos, which she hadn't stopped smacking. Not even as she was carried past Garrus, Liara, Miranda and her sister and the rest of the crew who came up to see what a trashed quarian looked like. All of them appeared amused at the spectacle they got to witness. He might have been drunk as well, but John knew that he was going to be hearing about this for the duration of the mission. He could not help but be annoyed that his mom had been right; his ass had worked to pacify her from a drunken belligerent state into a drunken hypnotized state.

"We're here, _Björk_ ," Shepard idly spoke to the quarian as he stepped out of the elevator and into the captain quarters, his hand patting Tali on her own ass. "As lovely as your screeching is, I think the concert can come to a close."

Without any acknowledgment more complicated than a grunt, Tali loosened herself and slid down the front of his chest until she hit the floor of the cabin with an unceremonious thud. She giggled as her helmeted head lulled up and down. She shakily reached up and pulled off her helmet, her hair flying everywhere as she dramatically threw her helmet to one side, knocking against the ship model case.

"Mmmmmmm… your cabin is _sooooo_ comfy…" she murmured as she belly crawled across the floor of the cabin. "I think I'm going to steal your bed… and this hooded… whatever you humans call it…"

In her hands was one of his N7 hoodies. He watched in silence as Tali somehow managed to work off the top of her environmental suit, exposing her glorious bare back to him. It took all his efforts not to step forward to run his fingers along her pale grey skin.

"You can move into here if you want," John permitted as Tali dropped the last section seal on her environmental suit. "It gets rather lonesome up here, and it's a hassle to constantly call you up with some sort of excuse in case there are others eavesdropping. It's not exactly military regulation, but taking into account the situation we're in, I think it's permissible to ignore a minor infraction."

Pulling on his N7 hoodie, which draped almost down to her thighs, Tali turned around on the floor and glanced up at the human as she zipped up the jacket. Her expression formed into a wide smile at the allowance.

"You know what? I am going to do that. I am going to move in here and set the record straight," Tali muttered as she reached his bed and started dragging herself onto it. "I know the Alliance members are giving me funny looks and whispering about us whenever they think I can't hear them. Say what you will about… about _CeBERus_ , but at least they had some tact… respect... So screw it, to _hell_ with stepping carefully on broken glass."

John crossed his arms.

"-Walking on egg shells."

"-Whatever... stupid, _sexy_ humans and their metaphors…" Tali snapped back. "I have been dancing around _reeeally_ carefully with you for long enough. And since you have _snatched_ me away from building a home on the Homeworld, this will have to be my consolation award."

"Prize," Shepard corrected her again, earning a sweet little growl in the process. "Well, if the Admiral wants it, she can have it, and considering now is not the time to strain quarian-human relations…"

Tali shook her head and put on her best expression which conveyed the authority of an admiral. Unfortunately for her, it came across like she was some sort of spoiled Princess want special treatment. Shepard decided it was in his best interest to remain silent and not point it out.

"She _does_ want the room, thank you," Tali replied haughtily. "And for the record she is most pleased at the lowly Commander's efforts to not further strain the interspecies diplomacy of our two people. And as she is _such_ a receptive diplomat, she would be more than willing to share… now kindly join me. I… I need my human comforter for my relaxation…."

John could not help but smile as he obliged Tali's faux orders dutifully as a good subordinate would do. He crawled onto the bed and rested his back against the way. His legs parted open to allow Tali to crawl in between them. She settled against him, her back wiggling against his chest, her head against his shoulder. She pulled up the blanket and pulled it right over her lap.

As a slender hand reached behind the back of his head to pay with his hair, Tali emitted a low moan.

"I don't get it," Tali spoke suddenly, her voice devoid of emotion. "I've been in this fight for _years_. I have seen all sorts of horrors no one should ever witness to, and you know what? I have gotten through all of it. Like it's just a job… But the first active Cerberus cell I run into and… and I can't stop thinking about it. It's going to haunt me for the rest of my days…"

Shepard nodded and he clutched onto her waist a little tighter. So she was just as horrified by what she saw on Horizon as well… It was good to know that he was not alone.

"We've been to other Cerberus cells, Tali," he reminded her. "We saw the thorian and rachni experimentation projects, we saw what they did to Jack and the other biotics on Pragia… we saw what David Archer did to his own autistic brother. Is it much of a stretch to think that in this state of war, Cerberus would commit to a project like this?"

Tali nodded against him and remained silent. She seemed to be choosing her next words carefully.

"Those other projects were… I don't know how to phrase this right – but they were almost acceptable, _logical_ even in some ways," Tali spoke slowly, deliberately. Like she was concerned her opinion would anger him. "Miranda Lawson's argument for biological, non-sapient shock troops was not an unreasonable concept, and Jack's containment made sense in a way that humans were new to biotic talents. And as for David Archer and his project; before Legion's sacrifice and before I knew that the geth were more than just machines the project made sense –as cruel as it was- and Ancestors save my soul for sounding like Admiral Xen, it would have made an awesome weapon against the geth if it worked…"

John remained silent. As awful as it might have been, Tali had been right. He might have morally opposed everything the Illusive Man did, it still did not change the fact that somewhere deep in his mind, heart and stomach, he knew that what the Illusive Man had done before and during this war was not unreasonable, as horrifying as they might have been…

"Everything the Illusive Man did might have been horrifying, but he was right," Tali pressed on, her voice still dead and lost. "I _hate_ him, I think he's terrible and he has more than earned an awful death at our hands… but not once have I seen him make a poor choice of judgement... and he did bring you back to _me_."

Yes… there was that little detail. No matter how much he grew to despise the Illusive Man and his actions... and his choice of a replacement of point man (seriously, he was going to kill that shithead Kai Leng one of these days), his resurrection was sort of a big deal to him. The Illusive Man was addicted to the concept of grey…

"But what happened on Horizon… that was different. That was so… so… _so_ _wrong_. That they would reverse engineered the indoctrination process… the sheer deception they deployed… the fact that they _preyed_ on the fears of the frightened masses only to grind them into the same machines that the people were scared of in the first place…" Tali spoke up, her voice rising higher and higher in a strained sort of panic. "How could they _do_ something like this? In a time where we could all be killed at any moment and the very existence of our species erased, that they would be so _cruel_ like that…"

Tali exhaled sharply, losing her ability to speak. She hung her head low and clutched her around his arms. John leaned forward and kissed the back of her head and rested his forehead against it.

"Desperation, I suppose. That's what it seemed like to me," John replied, his fingers tracing a circle on her arm as he held onto her tightly. "Javik mentioned that this was just the beginning; that the desperation of those trying to stop the Reapers will always drop any sense of morality to find a way to survive. As vile as it may be, perhaps Cerberus is just ahead of the curve. In a war such as this, should we really falter at the sight of an atrocity committed in the name of survival? Should we fault them for doing whatever it takes to turn the tide?"

John fell silent as his mind raced with the thoughts of everything he had witnessed on Horizon. In the end he really couldn't blame Cerberus for their actions. He could be horrified, he could hate them for what they were, but in the end it was as he told Tali: how he possibly blame men like Henry Lawson, the Illusive Man… even Rael'Zorah for doing whatever it took to survive, to persevere, to triumph over the Reapers.

Someone had to push their hands into the mud and blood and do it.

"That's… something I've been trying to figure out… whether or not all of what we're doing is worth it anymore," Shepard pressed on grimly as he focused on the pressure of Tali's body. "I've always tried to do the right thing. Even if it didn't work out, I've tried to keep some sort of… I don't know… honour intact. But in a war where one side has to exterminate the other, I can't hold myself to that sort of standard anymore, can I? It's all or nothing now."

John sighed as he shook his head.

"Perhaps it is better to find some distant corner of the galaxy and hide until it's all over," he confessed to her, with a look of bitter regret on his face. "I can't _believe_ pre-tamed Jack was right. I should have just taken the Normandy and became a pirate instead… everything would have been so much simpler… cleaner."

He felt Tali shift her body around; Tali met his upset expression with her own look of concern. Her unsteady hand reached up and touched against his face. John looked up and met her in her eyes. She was doing her utmost keep her drunken state from mixing into her genuine desire to comfort him. Silently she pushed her hand through his hair.

"You could never do that," she refuted. There was no fight in her words, no challenge to offer him, but rather a soft reassurance to him. "It's not in your nature to give up, to flee – no matter much I may wish you would do that sometimes... You're in this fight until the bitter end, no matter how it turns out… and so am I."

John remained still for a moment before he nodded. Like, he touched her hair as well but to push the bangs from out of her eyes, so that he could see her properly. She smiled and laughed softly as she once again collapsed her body again against his, her face resting against his chest.

"You're right, wishful thinking I guess," he whispered over top of her. "But I'm scared, Tali. I am so _incredibly_ scared."

John felt her grip tighten around him. She did not need to utter a single word to him. Just having her at his side there was enough to tame his fears…

 **…**

* * *

 **…**


End file.
